Insecurity

Insecurity is something I have struggled with for as long as I can remember.  I think it began in about 3rd or 4th grade when "popularity" started to become a thing.  How popularity can exist in a 25 person classroom, I will never know, but I worked hard at being likeable, apparently sometimes too hard.

I got made fun of.  A LOT.  I was awkward, tried too hard to be funny, and I'll admit: I tattled quite a bit.  If someone was mocking me, I'd tell the teacher, which only served to make things worse for me, not better.  In 3rd grade, one of the boys, we'll call him Bobby, started calling me "Little Miss Tattling Mermaid."  Yeah, that hurt.  I had told on him for making fun of me, and apparently talking to the teacher wasn't going to help.  I became more and more reclusive after this, trying to be liked, but also trying to be invisible.  I figured if I was invisible, nobody could make fun of me.  Unfortunately, it didn't provide much of an ability to also be liked.

In 6th grade, I did something stupid.  Twice.  100% idiotic and honestly, I don't know why I did it. The first thing I did was to tell a classmate that if he didn't stop throwing snowballs at cars, my dad's friends would shoot him.  I have no idea what was going through my mind, I think I had taken something out of the context of anger and sarcasm and repeated it.  Big mistake.  Not only did I get made fun of, I also got sent to the principal's office with my dad.  Then, to top it off, I was a slacker.  I didn't do homework because I felt I didn't have to, and honestly?  I didn't.  One day, the substitute teacher who was in for my 6th grade teacher called me out on it.  What did I do?  Called her a bitch.  To her face.  She told me she was calling my mother and I stormed out of the room screaming that I'd call her myself.  I mean, the woman was a liar.  She said that her family created a certain kind of cheese and that she owned the very large house, almost a mansion, that I knew she didn't own.  Did that excuse my behavior?  Absolutely not, and I paid for it when I got home.

In junior high and high school, nothing changed.  I was either invisible or being made fun of and my paranoia grew.  In 7th grade I had a crush on this guy, M.  He was "so dreamy" and I really thought he was a nice guy.  Wrong.  I wrote him a note asking him to get a soda with me after school one day and he posted it in the boys locker room.  For months, I was being made fun of for something so benign.  Eighth grade?  I didn't wear a bra, so obviously that's something to make fun of.  My Freshman year, I sat by myself in the cafeteria, told that I was not welcome at any of the tables I tried to sit at.   Sophomore year, I was able to sit with a couple of girls I was friendly with and had a few friends the year ahead of me, but still never really hung out with anyone but my friend S.  At this point, I had "lost weight" (a.k.a. grown without gaining weight) and for a while, I felt I looked good.  Then the girls started pointing out that I had "thick thighs" and of course, the boys joined along. In the musical, one of the guys, J, had to pick me up at the end of a song and would yell out how heavy I was and that he was going to drop me. I had crushes and told them, and got rejected every.single.time.  Junior year was more of the same, I had some guy friends from the soccer team my brother played on, and felt appreciated over the summer when I played soccer.

Now onto senior year.  My soccer coach for varsity HATED me.  I hardly played in any games, despite being told I was reasonably good.  For the musical?  Despite again being told that I was good in my audition, I got rejected for someone who had to SPEAK SING her role.  I got one line and only because the Elementary School music teacher intervened and wanted me to at least be thrown a little bone.  But that wasn't even the worst part.  That year, a guy, we'll call him M, actually paid attention to me.  I thought he truly liked me, and we went on a few dates.  Obviously, in my mind he was the most gorgeous guy EVER and I was sad that he was going into the military and leaving after the summer.  Then, I was approached by my friend, S.  She told me that M had made a bet with some of the more, ahem, bitchy girls at work that he could get me to have sex with him by the end of the summer.  At that point, I didn't believe her and told her so, but it was always in the back of my mind that he had made this bet.  If you can't tell: I didn't give in to him.  He never really pressured, which I applaud him for, but you could easily tell that it was what he wanted.  We talked on the phone quite a bit after he left, but suddenly the calls decreased in frequency until there were no more at all.

That November, he came home from basic and to me, looked as good as ever.  I had hoped to resume where we had left off, and wanted to get a chance to talk to him.  Then, a girl at work, E, told me that he was engaged to someone else.  I confronted him and it was true.  I was DEVASTATED.  Not only that was seeing someone else, but that he hadn't been the one to tell me.  He was the only guy who had ever paid attention to me, and now my dreams of having a boyfriend were crushed.  I was hoping to have someone ask me to my senior prom, but instead of waiting too long, I asked my friend, T, to go with me.  He was an amazing date, and I wouldn't have changed it for the world.

Freshman year in college I was excited to start on a blank slate.  A girl I had known and been friendly with my whole life, A, was going to the same school but I wanted to be able to make new friends and quickly told her that I didn't want to be roommates, that I was going to meet new people.  I am kind of sad about that fact, because she really is a great person and has always been nothing but kind.  My roommate that year, K, seemed like an amazing person at first and I was going to do anything in my power to make her like me.  This included going out drinking frequently and frankly, embarrassing myself in front of others while drunk in order to make her like me.  I even blacked out one night and don't remember why I woke up on a couch with a guy, and another time I got alcohol poisoning.  But I was still wanting to do anything I could to get her to like me, since she seemed like quite the popular girl on campus.

One afternoon right before finals week, K's boyfriend showed up for an unplanned visit.  She literally locked me out of the room with no keys, no books, and no shoes.  I was LIVID and told her so.  Somehow I made it past my point of wanting to be liked to a point of wanting to stand up for myself.  K screamed at me and told me she was moving out and I'd have to find a new roommate, I said fine, and so it was.  Another bad idea.  My new roommate?  Hyper-Christian and if you weren't like her, you were going to hell.

I had a guy over to my room one day, an innocent relationship with him where he was the "hot guy" and we were just friends.  I was content with this.  Anyway, he came over to watch American Idol and to study.  Since it was a dorm room, he was laying on my bed with me, using it as a couch.  She walked in and immediately ran down the hall screaming that I was having sex and she had walked in on it.  Not true in the least, but it made me dislike her even more.  A couple of weeks later, another "hot guy" (don't ask me why I thought he was hot, looking back I think he was really full of himself) and I were talking.  I asked him to come up and watch a movie, and apparently in boy code that means have sex.  When I told him no, he decided to say he had anyway.  Great on my reputation.  Then came the kicker: I kissed a guy at a party who this crazy girl had a thing for.  Like, stalker crazy.  She would bust into his shower without invitation through his suite mate's door, and attempt to hook up with him.  So you can imagine her reaction to that.  She full on freaked out and threatened my life.  So yeah, freshman year was awesome.

My insecurities just continued from there as my bipolar disorder started to manifest itself more and more.  Freshman year I would skip class while I was really down, and then when I was feeling better and more like myself, I would be afraid to go back to class because in my mind, everyone was obviously going to notice and make fun of me.  Needless to say, I didn't pass many of my classes that semester.  Sophomore year was more of the same, and by the second semester I had dropped my dream major and switched to generic health sciences.  After that semester?  I dropped out of that school completely.  Of course, this just added to it because in my mind I wasn't good enough to cut it.

I failed a few more classes after that at community college.  I met Geoff in 2004, dated him for about a month, then broke it off because I was so afraid he'd do it first.  After begging him to take me back, we started dating again and things felt better.  For a little while that is.  I was still insecure about my education and goals, and when I met his fraternity brothers it all took over again.  They are a group of nice guys (mostly, there are a couple who were never nice to me) but I could never get over my insecurity that they all didn't like me.  The fact I went to community college didn't help, especially since they were at a pretty good school for technological fields.

Now, I'm a 28 year old senior in college, with mostly freshmen, sophomores, and juniors in my class.  Kids that I am not really able to identify with because we are at different points in our lives.  While I'm married and wanting kids, they're partying and wanting to have a good time.  I sit in class alone, not speaking to anyone, because I'm so afraid they won't like me.  Even when I do open up to people I'm still afraid they don't like me and are just being nice to me but think secretly that I suck.  In my mind it's insecurity, but somehow it's also more of a big head.  That I think I'm so important that everyone is talking about me, when in reality, MAYBE a handful of people I see each day might think of me for 2.5 seconds and then I'm out of their head.  I'm embarrassed to be 28 years old and still finishing my first degree that I started at 18.  I think that it would be different if I was 28 years old and started at 24, but when you are in school for 10 years pursuing the same end result, it tends to get a little embarrassing.  I am also embarrassed that my degree will have basically nothing to do with my end goal, in that I can't move on to the Master's/Doctorate that I want until I get another Bachelor's in Nursing.  So there's even more insecurity.  The fear that I'll never achieve my goal, the fear that I won't cut it in my photography and creative writing classes, the fear that I'll be stuck in a job, but not a career.  I have a lot to be proud of, a lot to regret, and a lot to fear, and I just can't get past it.  I feel better overall, but the anxiety, especially social anxiety, still troubles me on a daily basis and I'm always afraid of embarrassment.  Hopefully I can find some way to get over this before it ends up destroying my dreams, goals, and ambitions.

Love you all.

Losing Weight is a Frustrating Process

Here I am on my weight loss journey and so far so bad.  I wish I could change that bad to good, but unfortunately I'm having a rough go of it.  I lost 15 lbs, gained back 5, and now I'm trying again.  I originally had a goal of losing all of the weight by next summer, but now it just seems daunting so I moved it to next winter.  I have 100 lbs to lose to get to the high weight of my healthy range but would probably be content at a higher weight than that.

I haven't been eating well since Geoff left for Japan in July.  That's just a fact.  I think it's a combination of being lonely and really not having much to do.  I took my EMT-B practical test and passed, then left for NY about a week later for a 9 day visit-which I really needed.  Spending time with my family and getting to meet my new little cousin, Laura, was amazing.  I haven't felt like I've had enough time for everyone on most of my visits, since they're usually only 3-4 days long, so having 9 days was incredibly satisfying.  Unfortunately, with all of the visiting and running around, I ate a LOT of foods I don't normally eat-including Pizza Land pizza, chicken wings, I drank alcohol which I don't normally do, and while Aunt Leen was helpful in a lot of my eating, I just didn't control myself like I should.  I also didn't take my metformin on vacation because I didn't want to deal with the side effects, and I know that contributed.

So here I stand, a little bit higher than I was around my birthday, but proud that I am still at a loss and that I haven't lost the motivation like I normally do.  Apparently, in the past, I've gotten down about 15-30 lbs and then suddenly said "Fuck it" (pardon the language) when the weight loss stalled.  I have been stalled at 10-15 lbs for almost 3 months but I'm still plugging away at it, and have already seen some great results of it.  According to my amazing friend, Sarah, my face looks slimmer, I had a pair of pants that were a size smaller that finally zipped again (not that I'd wear them, they zip but they don't look good haha), and my cycles have started to regulate again, which can be a good sign that my PCOS is weight related and may go away once I've lost enough.

I'm sure you think I have a great attitude about all of this, but truth is, I really don't.  I'm sad that I've had so many stalls, sad that I've not curbed the bingeing and fast food habits that started years ago when I was incredibly depressed, and ultimately sad that despite being in a great place mental health wise (finally got my meds to the dose that works for me-only took 7 freakin months and a new psychiatrist) I still have a hard time curbing the bingeing from boredom.  I get lonely when Geoff's gone, and not having anyone around makes me bored.  Though, a great thing out of the boredom is that my house is clean, laundry is done, and I'm ready for new furniture coming in this weekend.

School starts up again on Monday so that should hopefully help to curb my boredom.  If it gets too bad, until mom closes on her house, I'll probably just hang out in Richmond at the school where I won't have too much access to food and can hang out with a couple friends and my brother.  At least if I'm bored then, I won't be sitting at home alone eating.  Mom's moving in with me for about a month after the house sells so that will be nice to have the company, and she won't let me have fast food or tv dinners for every home meal.  I just can't bring myself to cook for just me so having her here will help immensely.

So that's where I stand.  Hopefully I'll be blogging more soon, I am also hoping to put up some of the things I write for my creative writing class.  Love you all!