Nursing School, a Colonoscopy, and Weight Watchers

Well, I did it!  I got into nursing school at EKU, which is amazing because 1) I'm already attending and know where I'm going, 2) I can continue to utilize the amazing psychiatric resources at my fingertips for the minimal student health fee, and 3) it's one of the best schools in the state for nursing!  I'm so excited, yet scared at the same time.  What if the dream I've had for myself for the past 23 years isn't something I can do?  What will I do then?  I'm always afraid of the unknown, but I'm so excited to get started.  In only 4 semesters and 44 credits I will graduate with my Associate's Degree in Nursing.  I will be one more step toward becoming a practitioner, whether it be PA or NP.

I'm including a minor in psychology with my nursing degree since I will only need 3 credit hours to attain it.  I'm hoping that this, combined with my certification as an EMT, will help me find a job post-graduation.  I've taken a hard look at the reality of having an Associate's Degree vs. a Bachelor's Degree when it comes to finding a job and realized that to get to where I want to be, I may have to take the job I don't necessarily want.  While it breaks my heart to see the elderly in Long Term Care facilities where they aren't necessarily treated with the compassion they should be, I realized that perhaps I can bring some of what they need.  While pediatrics has always been something I've wanted to do, I've realized that it doesn't matter what population you work with, they all need the same compassion along with their healthcare needs.  I'd love to be the person to give that to them.

Now, onto the next topic: colonoscopies.  I had to have one last week, not because of any issues I was having, but because colon cancer is highly linked to genetics and my father passed away at an extremely young age from it.  So here I stand at 28 years old, having had a procedure that is usually done in your 50s.  I was terrified that something would show up to indicate a high risk for me.  I was terrified of the procedure itself, scared that I would feel it, would remember it.  I burst into tears when the nurse came in and told me that I'd be sedated, not asleep.  Luckily, I had some of the most amazing nurses and physicians working with me.  They assured me that they could take care of me while taking care of my fear and rescheduled my appointment for later that afternoon over at the main hospital so that I would have an anesthesiology team (this time a nurse anesthetist) working with the doctor to assure the best quality care possible.  Yes, I had to wait a longer period of time without eating, but it was so worth it to feel like I was an individual patient and not a number to them.  That my needs and assuaging my fears were the most important things on the healthcare team's minds.  I am so grateful to them for what they did.

Finally, I had a doctor's appointment last week with a new PCP to discuss my weight.  I mentioned to him that I would love to try appetite suppressants again to help jump start my weight loss and was somewhat disheartened to find out that he didn't believe in them.  He was very open with me and told me that there were countless studies showing complete regain of the lost weight, and sometimes more weight was gained after medication was discontinued.  After some discussion of what I'd tried and some tears of frustration from me due to "only" losing 27 lbs in the past year, he requested that I try Weight Watchers one last time.  He told me to do it for 18 months and not to quit, and also wrote me a prescription to try to see if my insurance would cover it, or at least see if it was flexible spending eligible.  Unfortunately, many insurance companies don't cover weight loss programs but cover weight related illnesses such as Type II Diabetes.  Somehow this feels backwards to me.  It would be insanely cheaper to cover weight loss programs than it is to cover a lifetime of weight related issues.  This seems like another place that healthcare spending could be cut, if more Americans have easier access to programs to help them lose weight, we can reduce not only the obesity epidemic but also the diseases related to it.  Somehow I feel like there's a research paper in my future on this very topic!

So I start again on Thursday.  I'm doing the meetings alone this time, but I think that might work out better, no excuse of "well, my friend can't make it so I'm not going to go."  I also have full support from my PCP who wants to see me every 2-3 months to check in with how I'm doing.  He requested that I bring my book that shows my weight loss success with me, which adds that much more motivation to do well.  It's like I'm getting a gold star if I do well haha!

So that's what's been going on with me.  Love you!

A New Direction

So, as you know, I almost never post anything non-IF, school, or weight loss related.  I'm trying to branch out into other things so I can update more often and get out of the IF blogger "niche."  I just can't let my infertility be my entire identity anymore.

So that's where my random baking comes in.  I love to try new things, and lately I've been trying recipes off of Pinterest.  My brother comes over on the weekends and for the past 3, we've been trying knock-off "Little Debbie" recipes to try to make them at home without preservatives and all that gross stuff you can't pronounce the name of.  Some are successful, some are not.  So far we've made Oatmeal Creme Pies, Fudge Rounds, Cosmic Brownies, and Star Crunches.  Here's the recipes and how they turned out (now that I'm doing this I'll work on getting better quality images of my own):

Oatmeal Creme Pies:


Cookie Ingredients
1 cup margarine
3/4 cup dark brown sugar
1/2 cup sugar
1 tablespoon molasses
1 teaspoon vanilla
2 eggs
1 1/2 cups flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/8 teaspoon cinnamon
1 1/2 cups quick oats

Cream Filling Ingredients
2 teaspoons very hot water
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 (7 ounce) jar marshmallow cream
1/2 cup shortening
1/3 cup powdered sugar
1/2 teaspoon vanilla

Preparation
In large bowl, cream margarine, sugars, molasses, vanilla, and eggs.
Combine flour, salt, baking soda, and cinnamon.
Add to the creamed mixture; mix in the oats.
Drop dough by TBS on ungreased sheets. (I used a small cookie scoop.)
Bake at 350 degrees F.
Bake for 10-12 minutes,or until just starting to brown around the edges.
They will look moist; don’t overcook.
While the cookies bake prepare the filling.
In small bowl, dissolve the salt in the hot water.
Allow this to cool.
Combine marshmallow cream, shortning, powdered sugar, and vanilla in med bowl; mix on hi until fluffy.
Add the cooled salt water and mix well.
Spread filling on flat side of one cookie, press 2nd cookie on top.



These cookies were SERIOUSLY yummy, better than their processed counterpart.  Definitely a recipe I'll make over and over again for parties and cookie trays.

The following week, we made Fudge Rounds.  This recipe comes from Confessions of a Cookbook Queen and they're magic.


Ingredients
1 1/4 cup salted butter, softened
2 cups sugar
2 eggs 
2 teaspoons vanilla
2 cups flour
3/4 cup cocoa
1 teaspoon baking soda 
Heat oven to 350.

Preparation
In the bowl of a mixer, cream butter and sugar on medium until fluffy. Add the eggs one at a time mixing after each addition. Mix in vanilla.
In a medium bowl, combine flour and baking soda. Add slowly to the butter/sugar mixture in the mixing bowl. Beat until combined.
Drop spoonfuls on ungreased cookie sheets and bake for 7-9 minutes. Remove baking sheets to cooling racks and remove cookies after a few minutes to continue cooling.


While cookies cool, make your filling.

Filling
1/2 cup shortening
1/2 cup salted butter, softened
1 teaspoon vanilla
1/4 cup cocoa powder
3 cups powdered sugar
4 tablespoons warm water

Preparation
In the bowl of a mixer, beat the shortening and butter on medium speed until smooth and combined. Beat in vanilla. Add cocoa powder and powdered sugar and beat on low until just combined. Add water and beat on medium high for about 2 minutes or until light and fluffy.


Once cookies have cooled, pipe or spread filling on the flat side of half of them. Gently press another cookie on top of the filling.




The cookie on these came out a little harder than a fudge round, it wasn't that cakey texture, but the frosting is ah-mazing.  It replaced my typical chocolate frosting, it's that good.


Next, we made Cosmic Brownies, you know, those delicious and super rich brownies that have the candy coated chocolate chips?
Recipe courtesy of Fake Ginger

Ingredients
For the brownies:
1 cup granulated sugar
⅔ cup brown sugar
¾ cup (1½ sticks) butter, melted
2 tablespoons water
2 large eggs
2 teaspoons vanilla
1⅓ cups all-purpose flour
¾ cup unsweetened cocoa
½ teaspoon baking powder
¼ teaspoon salt

For the ganache:
½ cup heavy cream
7 ounce bittersweet chocolate
pinch of salt
colorful candies or sprinkles, for decorating

Preparation
Heat oven to 350F. Line a 13 x 9 pan with parchment paper or aluminum foil, then lightly grease. Set aside.
In a large bowl, combine the sugars, butter and water with a whisk. Stir in the eggs and vanilla. In a medium bowl, combine the flour, cocoa, baking powder and salt. Stir the dry mix into the wet stuff and stir to combine. With a rubber spatula, spread the batter into the prepared pan. Bake for 18 minutes. Don’t over bake!
Set aside on a rack to cool.

While the brownies are baking, prepare the ganache: Place the chocolate in a bowl and set aside. In a small saucepan, heat the cream just to a simmer. Don’t boil it, just wait till you see little bubbles starting to form around the edges. Remove from the heat and pour over the chocolate. Sprinkle with the salt and let it all sit for a minute or so. Gently stir with a rubber spatula until all of the chocolate is melted. Whisking the heck out of it will just add air bubbles and we don’t want those. Set that aside to cool a bit.

When the brownies are mostly cool, pour the ganache over and spread it evenly over the top. Sprinkle as many or as few of the candies/sprinkles over the top as you like. I cooled mine in the fridge until the ganache was set. When you’re ready to cut them into squares, lift them out with the foil and cut into the size or shape you like.


These were fantastic, that perfect texture.  I used semi-sweet chocolate instead of bittersweet and I'm glad that I did, it was still a bit too bitter.  I think next time I'll use a bit of powdered sugar to cut that bitterness.  Using the tin foil worked out perfectly and made cleanup a breeze!

Next, we made Star Crunches, or as my brother calls them "B-List Celebrity Crunches."  They turned out AWFUL.  I found the recipe on Yahoo! Answers and they were a modified version of a Girl Scout Samoa (or Caramel Delight depending on where you live).  The modifications didn't work and made for a sticky mess.  We only got 9 cookies out of the entire day's work and they were mediocre at best, so the search continues for the perfect Star Crunch recipe!

Next week, we'll be attempting homemade candy bars.  The requests have been for Twix, Snickers, and Milky Way.  This should be an interesting one since I've never made candy before and the nougat recipe is very precise.  Check back with me to see if they came out well or if they were a perfect disaster!

I'm always willing to take requests to try different recipes that are out there, so if you have anything you've been dying to try but scared it won't work, let me know!

A New Year, A New RE

So, after an entire year of thought, I decided to change to a new RE.  I always feel guilty "firing" a physician, but not only did it seem necessary, my insurance company changed and they don't cover services at that office anymore.

I realized that I was treated like cattle, herded into the barn with the other cattle who were there to do the same thing.  We all started the IVF cycle on the same day, were all on the same dose of meds (even though I weighed at LEAST 100 lbs more than a few of them), and were all scheduled for egg retrieval within the same 3 days.  At the time, I thought this was the norm, that all REs did that to keep their time managed well.  After some research, I found this to be the complete opposite of what many of them do.  I was naive, as I'm sure many people going through certain procedures, and I believed that my doctor had what was best for me in his thoughts.

So I didn't see any RE for a full year.  I took time off to put myself first, knowing that in doing so it put off having children for at least that long, if not longer, and put me one year closer to that scary number 35, where magically everyone's fertility decreases.  Yeah, just like turning 18 made me more prepared to vote than the day before when I was 17.  I did research, found out other people's experiences, licked my wounds from the failed cycle, and learned a lot more about the mechanisms of PCOS and Endometriosis.  I lost 30 lbs and got myself into a healthier mindset.  I'm glad I did it, but I will always have the question of what if.  What if we had done another IVF?  The RE told me he'd change things up with a second one, but how far would he go?  What if his office hadn't destroyed our embryos at day 5 merely because they weren't as far along as they "should" have been, even though they were still growing?  Would those have been viable?  Could they have been donated for research that could potentially save lives?   There's so many questions and very few answers.  It kind of sucks.

Now I'm with a new RE.  One who listened to me.  He asked me what I wanted to do.  Told me that there were options other than IVF.  Listened when I said that I'd like to start from scratch now that I'm losing weight.  He told me that we could do things however I want to.  I asked if we could do bloodwork and he immediately said yes.  I asked him if we could do a repeat laparoscopy and he said he'd be happy to do it if that was what I would like to do.  Everything I asked was answered with the response of it being fully my decision.  He told me that he tailors his treatments to his patients and that he's had several people with the same complaint of being treated like cattle by another RE who came to him and found success.  We will experiment with different medications than the ones I used, I'll work to lose the weight that it will take to get my BMI under 30 (IVF success rates rise significantly after that point).  But most of all, he'll listen to me and work things around what I would like.  For now, I'm sticking with the repeat lap.  If there's endo regrowth, we'll discuss options for it.

I appreciate a doctor who recognizes that patients aren't idiots.  One who realizes that I have done research on things and am full of questions.  Not that I think I know better, but that I want to understand why we do things the way we're going to do them.

I always have a hard time switching, but I'm really glad that I did.  I hope that my faith in him is justified by his further understanding, but I don't see that it wouldn't be.  Finally I'm not just another infertile, I am Becca, a patient with her own needs and wishes.

Facebook

Facebook stalking ex-boyfriends/girlfriends, checking on how a classmate is doing after college or high school, creeping on someone you just met in class.  Who can honestly say that they haven't done it?

With an age of constant connectivity, whether it be on a computer, a tablet, or a smartphone, comes an age of knowing too much about each other.  I mean, just by reading my blog and not even knowing anything else about me you know that I suffer from infertility, carry a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, and hell, even know when I've ovulated for several cycles.  Some people would call this over sharing and I would 100% agree. As much as I over share in my blog, I share more on my personal Facebook page.

Looking at someone's Facebook (or any other social media site) you can learn almost anything about them.  Where they went to high school or college, where they work or have worked in the past, whether they have kids or not, who they married, and sometimes even what kind of house they own.  You can learn where someone lives and how old they are.  Depending on their privacy settings you can learn almost anything about them!

We are constantly connected to each other.  We know the ins and outs of our friends' daily lives, and it tends to lead to an increased annoyance and jealousy.  Someone else buys a new car?  Jealous.  Someone gets into a program I want to get into?  Jealous.  

The annoyance, at least for me, comes in when things like politics and religion are involved.  Social media adds an air of anonymity because, while you are being yourself, you are still behind a computer screen and not face to face.  This leads to increased involvement in arguments that normally you would just ignore.  Politics on Facebook tends to lead to a lack of rational conversation because, while you know your friends, they don't necessarily know each other.  What could have been a rational one-on-one conversation suddenly turns into a "you are-no you are-you suck" argument and now you have friends on either side who are pissed at each other.  

So, while I have these feelings about Facebook, I realize that others don't.  It's a great way to keep in touch with friends and family who don't live near you, a great way to share pictures, and it's overall a fun thing to do.  When I don't agree with something I just ignore it instead of inciting an argument.  I urge others to do the same.

One-Upsmanship

This is one of the things that have always bothered me.  Why do we always have to one up each other?   It's much easier to say "well, I'm sorry you have that but I have it worse because ___."

I've seen a thing going around on Facebook and Pinterest a lot.  It's a quote from a Tyler Perry movie that says "You don't have a valentine on Valentine's Day? Some people don't have a mother on Mother's Day or a father on Father's Day. So shut up."  Why would you say that to someone?  My loss of my father has nothing to do with their lack of someone on Valentine's day.  Why should I tell them to shut up about their sadness because mine is "worse."  The answer?  I shouldn't.

I see it all the time.  Someone says that they're sad because they lost their grandparent, another person pipes in that they lost their father.  It's as if saying something like that will make the other person's loss seem less.  Nobody's loss is more important than anyone else's.

I especially hate this when I see it in the infertility world.  Someone complains that their child is doing something that they don't like, such as hitting, biting, or just being an overall pain to deal with at that moment.  It never fails, especially on message boards, that if someone they know has issues getting pregnant, that that person will pipe in telling them that they're lucky to have a child at all and that they'll take the child if it's such a pain.

The bottom line? People can complain about a bad day. Poo-pooing their feelings does nothing but create animosity and piss people off.  So the next time your friend complains about something you think is inane or you think you have it worse than them? Post it on your own post and let them feel the way they feel.  Maybe even say you're sorry that they're having a rough time.  One-upping someone is never appropriate.

Mad About It Monday

So, I don't usually participate in this kind of thing because I don't know what to write.  Today is 100% different.

I'm mad about animal abuse and things that should be considered cruelty.  This was inspired by an article a friend posted on Facebook as well as things I saw on my way home and every single day.  Today, for instance, I was driving home in the rain and it was about 50 degrees out, so not super cold but also not super warm.  Someone in a truck had their dog in the bed, which always bugs me, but today I saw the worst I have seen in a long time: the dog was standing on top of a toolbox in the back. It was one of the boxes that comes up over the bed right behind the rear window.  Not only was it raining, but this guy was taking corners very fast and the dog was sliding all over.  I wanted to smack him.  So many people here in KY consider their dogs to just be replaceable animals, a piece of property and not a part of the family.  They leave them outside in all types of weather, give them no love, and I've seen several owners who have dogs covered in fleas and ticks but do nothing about it.

Working at the vet clinic made me more angry than I've been about animal abuse and neglect in a long time.  There was a client who would come in every summer with his dogs for a bath and checkup.  Good, right?  Wrong.  His dogs were not only covered in fleas but, (skip this part if you are easily grossed out) they would be covered in open sores that were filled with maggots.  But because this guy had money, the vet never did anything about it.  These poor dogs were abused and neglected and not even their doctor, who should be an advocate for them, cared enough to tell animal control because she was greedy.  I anonymously called, but I can't be sure if anything was done.  I hope something was.

I also have a neighbor who leaves their dog outside, chained up, all day and night every single day of the year.  Whether the temperature is in the high 90's or below zero, that poor dog is out there.  I've called the police non-emergency line to report them, but yet again nothing gets done.  The dog remains outside.  I've seen horses who were emaciated and locked up in a pen that couldn't have been more than 1000 square feet with no grass, only mud.  There's always one or two dogs running in the middle of the road on my drive to school, and one dog who is with their owner but is allowed to run into the road in front of cars to "herd" them (it's a border collie) because the owner thinks it's hilarious.  I have almost hit this dog 4 times in the 1.5 years I've been going to EKU and only missed because I know he'll be there.  I yelled at the owner but was told to mind my own damned business that it was his dog and he'd do whatever he wanted with it.

I don't know about you, but my dogs and my cat are my babies.  They annoy the crap out of me when they bark at nothing, but they are a part of my family.  They protect me from perceived harm, they comfort me when I'm sad, and they are company while Geoff is in Japan or Taiwan for work.  Kentucky is one of the worst states when it comes to animal abuse, and it disgusts me.

I'm going to cuddle with my dogs now, it won't make up for the abuse other animals face, but it'll let them know that they are loved.


Check out Holli's blog post on Homosexuality! http://itsanordinaryblog.com/2013/01/28/mad-about-it-mondays-on-homosexuality/

For the First Time in a Long Time

I'm just not sure what to write.  I think and think and nothing comes to me.  I started classes this week so perhaps that'll do until the creative juices come flowing again.

First of all: LOVE my classes so far.  Dosage Calc will hopefully be helpful for getting into school (teacher is one of the ADN advisors so hopefully if she likes me she'll put in a good word!), Photojournalism is all I hoped it'd be, and my Physio teacher seems to want to do everything he can to help with understanding of the material vs. regurgitation. 

Then there's Crafts for Children.  I am loving this class.  I thought it was going to be something stupid like coloring or cutting out little paper Santas and pasting cotton balls to it as a beard.  Boy was I wrong.  We get to make a belt, make a wooden notebook, and even make a rocking horse.  It is amazing.  I can't wait until my child gets on the rocking horse I will make and squeals in delight.  I will love telling them one day that it's something that I made, something they can have and pass to their children.  I remember the rocking horse I had as a kid.  I cherished it because my grandfather made it.  I hope the one I make will elicit the same joy.

I still have two classes that haven't started yet, and won't until March 18th: Adolescent/Adult Development and Introduction to Clinical Pathology.  I'm looking forward to those starting, and also glad that they'll start after nursing apps are due so I can pay attention to them fully.  I honestly don't see why I can't get a 4.0 this semester.  What a way to end my Bachelor's Degree!

Oh yeah, did I mention I graduate in May?  Then we're going to Disney World for a week.  Hopefully at that time we'll also be celebrating me getting into nursing school at one of the 4 I've applied to!  My other hope is to be at 210 lbs or less by then, a goal easily reached if I stay on track and add exercise.

So, apparently I did have something to say, and still do.  It's amazing how sitting down and actually writing can get you thinking of what you want to write about.  I'm down to 248 lbs now, down 27 total and almost 10 since November.  That's huge for me.  I have before/during pictures that I've taken and you can tell the difference that only 27 lbs has made, I can't wait to see what 50 does, and then 60, 70, 80, 90, 100, and finally 110-120!  By the time I am finished with my weight loss I will have lost an entire person!  It's amazing to think about it.

I also realized last night that I don't even particularly care for the taste of fast food.  It tastes alright, I suppose, but it's not something that I eat for the taste.  I eat it because it's easy.  That's 100% the reason.  For the last week I've gotten back to eating it because I was out late at night visiting with a friend who just had a baby (who is adorable by the way).  It was easier to stop on the way home than it was to wait until I got home.  I justified it by saying that it was almost 10pm and by the time I cooked something it'd be almost 11 and I'd be going to bed.  No more.  Will I still eat it occasionally?  Of course.  We take road trips that are over 8 hours long, it'd be stupid for me to say that I'd never stop on a trip.  When we go to Florida?  It'll probably enter back into my diet briefly.  But I don't want it to be all I eat anymore.  It's just not worth the calories.

So that's where I am, trying to add exercise into my routine and eating at home more/making better choices (read: not fried) when I'm out.  I've been waking up early for classes so I'm hoping that I can start moving the time I wake up back so I can get in a quick walk on the treadmill before I leave (and obviously a shower).  I'd love to get into a 2x/day routine and add in weights.  We'll see how much my motivation translates from paper into real life, but I want to get healthy again.  I miss being able to wear whatever I want!

For the first time in my life, I'm focusing on my arms/abs more than my legs.  I used to be able to (and probably still can) press about 300 lbs with my legs easily, but I can't (and never could) lift myself up by my arms.  I have never done one solitary chin-up, could never do pushups, and couldn't pull myself over a fence if you paid me to.  That's all about to change.  Stay tuned, and stay classy.